38 Weeks: Irritable and Ready

I am done!

 

I am done!

 

I am done!

I just want this pregnancy over, I want to see our newest family member. I'm tired of this continued pain on a daily basis and the lack of being able to do anything around the house or with my kids. Walking to the bathroom is a challenge, cleaning is impossible and laying down or sleeping in a comfortable position is even worse...just to name a few! Add in the fact that I am super irritable and don't feel like I have much of a sense of humor.  I don't want to deal with any one's attitude or problems. I am tired of selfish people, why can't I be selfish?

Did I mention the contractions in my back, the spd (Symphysis Pubis Dysfunction) and SI dysfunction? Or that the last time I saw the doctor I wasn't dilated or effaced. What the crap! I feel like I am at my wits end and I want to complain but it feels like no one will listen. Most times it feels like most people don't care about me or has a genuine interest in how I am doing. I feel like people are just asking me to be nice but they don't really hear what I am saying. I think everyone else is just as ready as I am to have little peanut here. 

Aside from being irritable, I am having more panic attacks. I am so worried about the baby and the PAC (Premature atrial contraction) we found last week. If I don't feel the baby move, I have a panic attack. If I think about labor and waiting longer, I worry about the baby being under stress. I worry about the baby "deteriorating" as the doctor called it. I am so scared that I can't sleep and the panic attacks can't be controlled. I do the usual breathing exercises but for the most part I feel alone in this worry; I know that no one understands what I am feeling. OCD sucks when you are pregnant! 

I need a day of rest, a day I can relax and not feel guilty about letting or having someone else take care of the kids without me around. I need a back massage super bad and I mostly need this baby to come and say hello to the world.

Feeling sad and miserable!

26 Weeks...14 weeks to go! Yipee!!

I am so happy to be getting closer and closer to the end. And in a few weeks, I'll be lucky enough to say that I am in my third trimester, but not yet. All in due time. As I count up the weeks, I also do the count down which would be 14 weeks to go. I'm so excited!!

On a side note, I've been having a lot of anxiety, related to a few things and people. But I am attributing it to hormones but I don't necessarily thinks that is all it is. I just keep having these moments of anger; angry at the way people are treated or I am treated. Feeling like I am being taken advantage of and then I start to feel like no one even cares or wants me around. So then all of the makes me angry. I am starting to really think I need counseling. I know counseling isn't bad and I put thought into it a few months ago when I had anxiety and my PTSD got pretty worrisome before. But more now, it feels like things are out of control and I need to get a handle on them. It might just be my OCD but I think my PTSD is going out of control again. Or I am just going out of control emotionally, which makes OCD and PTSD go off the track. I need to get things in check. I am really getting tired of hiding my panic attacks and my nightmares. I have been able to change my mindset to a more optimistic view point and I think that may be some of it, I am surrounded by negative people. No one sees the good, no one is thankful. So when these people make comments that are negative, I usually brush them off or let them boil inside me. But I keep it to myself, another bad habit of mine. I think this is the hardest things I struggle with and being a wellness coach I want to help other people with these types of issues. Knowing what I should do, face that big green monster in the closet, I just can't do it. The anxiety and fear build up. Afraid of the worst all the time, thankfully not involving this pregnancy directly. But all these emotions and not knowing how to handle them, feeling like I am alone, etc. is just starting to bother me more and more. I feel like I am at a loss. Another reason to be excited about counting down to the baby coming. The hormones getting back in check.

I hope everyone has a great weekend! I am headed getting my glucose screening done, fun!